Christoph Waltz, who has just received an Oscar (TM) (R) (C) for his role in Inglourious Basterds, has made a very special movie before that he would like to share with all of us… and who are we to not help him realise the dream?

Yes, I know drinking is not the most obvious subject on this blog. But in our quest for readership satisfaction we are ready to touch upon the most controversial of the most controversial [That will be enough - Ed.]

My tattoo artist said to me the other day that he thought Germans and Poles wouldn’t get along simply for the reason that they had different drinking habits. Germans, he said, love to drink beer until they fall under the table. Poles, he said, like to drink vodka until they throw up under the table. Those two were simply incompatible, he said. Also, the ways we get drunk are different; Germans sing horrible songs and grab waitresses’ backs, Poles fight over politics and religion and get really angry and depressed afterwards (and during). And when I say Poles fight, I don’t mean they are having a heated discussion. I mean that broken bottles are used.

This would explain why I never really got along with Poles either. I hate vodka. I can take it when mixed with juice or coke, but I could never join the (indeed) traditional shot shooting sessions. Mostly, may I explain, traditional among either groups of sweaty males bonding over their somewhat non-intellectual jobs or teenagers bonding over the fact they have a bottle of strong liquor at hand. Nevertheless, my mom, who belongs to neither of those groups, tends to serve vodka in glasses with meals as well, and to add insult to injury, she serves it warm. Beats me as to why she considers that acceptable, but I simply don’t join in.

My own drinking habits mostly involve dry red wine, rarely beer. And I am a choosy beer drinker, I don’t like what normally passes for “biertje” in Amsterdam; ideally I’ll have a Guinness, or one of those double-fermentation beers that could knock down a horse, but Heineken and Grolsch leave me completely uninterested. Also, generally I tend to drink very little nowadays, unless I am on holiday in Poland, interestingly, where I go to such extremes as having TWO AND A HALF BEER ON ONE EVENING or my mom’s Drink (it’s what it is called) consisting of grapefruit juice and warm vodka. (Much more acceptable with increasing quantities of juice.)

I am not sure which culture this makes me fit with, to be honest. I don’t feel that close to Germans or Poles, or Dutch. I like the idea, romantic as it is, of Irish people getting drunk on Guinness and singing “Danny Boy” and “Carrickfergus” while crying for the glorious past, but as I have never witnessed nor join such ceremony, I do not know how pleasant I would find it to be actually executed. (Also, I don’t know a single word of “Carrickfergus” other than the title.) Which nations like nothing best than dry red wine? Zee French? Do zee French actually ever get drunk at public places, and if yes, what lands under the table, are they jolly or sad drinkers and do Mylene Farmer songs get sung during the process?

More research is needed, but as it is 8:40AM at the moment you must forgive me for not commencing with it immediately.

I haven’t quite finished fiddling with this theme yet, but that could take a while and I thought I’d activate it before I actually get too bored with it to ever show it in public… Not all is yet finished — I am in particular aware of problems with short pages and photograph captions — if you see something reeeeeally awkward please let me know in the comments.

Also, I promise to try and write something that isn’t my chart, my chart awards or an apology for not posting my chart…

 1   !   1  RUDE BOY
            Rihanna
 2   1   3  LIMELIGHT
            Alizee
 3   6   2  OH, THE DIVORCES!
            Tracey Thorn
 4   5   7  THIS MUST BE IT
            Royksopp feat. Anneli Drecker
 5   3   4  TELEPHONE
            Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce
 6   2   6  ROCKET
            Goldfrapp
 7   4   7  CRUEL INTENTIONS
            Simian Mobile Disco feat. Beth Ditto
 8   !   1  STARRY EYED
            Ellie Goulding
 9   8   4  MEMORIES
            David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi
10  12   2  THE WAY LOVE GOES
            Lemar
 Read the rest of this entry »

 1   2   2  LIMELIGHT
            Alizee
 2   1   5  ROCKET
            Goldfrapp
 3   3   3  TELEPHONE
            Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce
 4   4   6  CRUEL INTENTIONS
            Simian Mobile Disco feat. Beth Ditto
 5   6   6  THIS MUST BE IT
            Royksopp feat. Anneli Drecker
 6   !   1  OH, THE DIVORCES! (free download)
            Tracey Thorn
 7   8   4  SPACE SHOT
            Ash
 8   9   3  MEMORIES
            David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi
 9   5   6  WONDERFUL LIFE
            Hurts
10  10   3  PARADISE CIRCUS
            Massive Attack
 Read the rest of this entry »

Because this is taking a bit too long.

Newcomer of the Year: Kid Cudi

Amazing in many ways. While his album was a disappointment after the incredibly good debut mixtape (released FOR FREE — including the hit “Day N’ Nite” and equally gorgeous “Maui Wowie”, “Is There Any Love?” and “50 Ways To Make A Record”), the mixtape in question and his ability to work with people like David Guetta, Kanye West, Common, MGMT and Ratatat and feel at home with each of them mean I will be awaiting album number two with excitement. And if he gets back to his senses and releases “Enter Galactic” as a single, he’s guaranteed a number one on my chart.

Cover design of the Year: La Roux, “La Roux”

Iconic. Gorgeous. Breathtaking. And, simply, beautiful. I haven’t fallen in love with music, but I definitely fell in love with this image. Awesome.

Title of the Year: “Rhubarb & Custard”

Just because not many people really write songs about either, and there they are both!

Disappointment of the Year: Sharleen Spiteri

“The Movie Songbook”. Does that sound like an inspired title to you? It might sound like one to me, had I not actually taken part in the disastrous poll by Mercury Records asking questions such as “Which of those albums should Sharleen record: a 60s inspired record, a record with covers of her favourite movie songs, an album of dreary elevator muzak?” and “Do you see Sharleen promoting: Perfume, Coffee or Wrinkle creams?” (OK, those are not exactly the questions asked, but trust me, they were close.) There is NOTHING redeemable about “The Movie Songbook”. Yes, “Xanadu” is quite a solid cover of a nice song. But it says nothing to me about my life. And I dread to think about why exactly Sharleen became the first pop star to record an album based on a poll among “casual music listeners”. If this is what future is like, please shoot me.

 1   1   4  ROCKET
            Goldfrapp



 2   !   1  LIMELIGHT
            Alizee
 3   4   2  TELEPHONE
            Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce
 4   3   5  CRUEL INTENTIONS
            Simian Mobile Disco feat. Beth Ditto
 5   2   5  WONDERFUL LIFE
            Hurts
 6   5   5  THIS MUST BE IT
            Royksopp feat. Anneli Drecker
 7   7   2  HOLD THE HEATHEN HAMMER HIGH
            Tyr
 8   6   3  SPACE SHOT
            Ash
 9   8   2  MEMORIES
            David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi
10  12   2  PARADISE CIRCUS
            Massive Attack
 Read the rest of this entry »

There was a year when Saint Etienne were the best band in the world, and, very surprisingly, that year was 2009.

Not that anybody noticed. Saint Etienne have always remained a well-guarded secret, largely due to own attempts at avoiding commercial success (following “He’s On The Phone” with “Sylvie” three years after the former became their biggest ever chart success? Following “Tell Me Why”, their only ever top 10, collaboration with trance DJ Paul Van Dyk with the beautiful, but as distant removed as possible “Heart Failed”? no video since “Side Streets” in 2005, but enough budget and interest to make full-length movies instead?) and 2009 didn’t change that, despite the fact they released staggering 11 full-length CDs in the last 12 months.

This is not a typo. London Conversations, a 2CD retrospective, duly compiled all their singles and best album tracks in chronological (partly) order, adding two new tracks — a remix of “Burnt Out Car” (embedded above) which is, basically, their “How Soon Is Now” — the b-side that should have been the a-side, and a new song, “Method Of Modern Love” which was amazing, gorgeous and beautiful and charted at #56 in the UK. Obviously, it omitted both “Tell Me Why” and 2008’s “The Journey Continues”, because the whole point of putting out a 2CD compilation is to not include your biggest hits on it. They followed it with four re-editions of their albums, remastered, expanded with bonus CD each and a thick sexy booklet filled with trivia, photographs and gorgeously designed by Paul Kelly. And they released what technically is a new album — Foxbase Beta (nominated for Album of the Year), Richard X’s remix of the entire Foxbase Alpha.

Yes, I spent a lot of money on Saint Etienne records in the last 12 months. Each of them has been worth it. Unreleased songs have sometimes proved to be better than ones that actually saw the light of day (I still can’t believe “Winter In America” wasn’t a single, and not only it wasn’t but it has never been released until 2009.) The remixed, updated and renovated Foxbase Beta pissed from great heights at most of actual new albums released in 2009. Remastered albums sound amazing; booklets provide new perspectives (except for Sound of Water which for some reason has a really boring booklet — well, it’s never been their most accessible album, which maybe is the reason) and, ultimately, spending money on all those 11 CDs has been a pleasure if only so that I could take a trip down memory lane and discover that the music that excited me immensely 10 or 15 years ago still excites me today.

Best Male: Pitbull

(Embedding disabled – link to “Hotel Room Service video here.)

I remember first reading on Popjustice forums about a new “summer jam” by someone called Pitbull. I immediately took a dislike to the idea of a rapper called Pitbull. Those dogs are ugly, dangerous and most often owned by assholes who are turned on by the illusion of macho power.

And then I heard the song. And after hearing it first, I had to replay it. It didn’t quite compute. It didn’t sound like the work of someone called Pitbull. It sounded… fun. And light. And absolutely not macho. In fact, the more I found out about Pitbull, the less it computed. What kind of a macho gangsta rapper samples Nightcrawlers’ “Push The Feeling On”? And those “Daaaahlin’” quips? How is that macho?

Ultimately since “Calle Ocho” was released Pitbull never really left my chart, recording with Jennifer Lopez (and giving her the biggest hit on my top 30 since 2000’s “Let’s Get Loud”) and Akon (who might be one of those people who never troubled my musical universe but sounds rather enjoyable on “Shut It Down”), and hearing reports of a song he is doing with Janet Jackson is much more enjoyable than I would like to admit. If only he called himself something a bit more dignifiable, like, dunno, Kid Cudi or summat. *sigh*

Best Female: Lily Allen

(Embedding disabled — link to “22″ video here.)

My first encounter with Miss Allen hasn’t been favourable either: I found “LDN Is A Victim” shit, “Smile” shit and irritating at the same time, and the entire Alright, Still album simply annoying. And then A1 started going on about how amazing her new single, “The Fear” was, and I sighed and sighed and finally succumbed and played it. And it was amazing.

Greg Kurstin produced It’s Not Me, It’s You has been an immensely enjoyable trip. From “The Fear”’s synthpop through “Not Fair”’s country-lite through “22″ which is far smarter than you’d expect from a, erm, 22-year-old, the album spawned a grand total of 5 singles, each of them a top 10 on my chart. Not bad for someone whose previous record I still refuse to listen to because not even the amazingness of It’s Not Me… is going to salvage the ska-infused juvenile grossness. Where Alright, Still was the sound of someone going “yayyayaya I WANTS TO BE A POP STAR LULZ”, It’s Not Me, It’s You is the sound of someone who actually has something to say and does so in a very grown-up and interesting way. And I hope that Lily’s announcement — the one where she informs us she’s quitting music — proves to be false, because the world in which Lily Allen gives up on music and Heidi Montag continues is quite a disastrous place to live in.

I still stand by every sentence of my “Joe Sent Me” review: it is a magical, mysterious album, full of smoke, poetry, sexuality, adultness, beauty and did I mention poetry yet? Yes I have.

Since the (self-produced) “Joe Sent Me” Vanessa released a collection of remixes called “Daouhaus” and a podcast called “Love Among the Shadowed Things”. None of them are as essential as “Joe Sent Me” but both expand the image of the sultry songstress (lazy writing on my part — she’s been referred to as “sultry songstress” approx. 837154 times in the past) who has a past ranging from dance/house music through jazz through pop to pure and simple spoken word poetry. Before “Joe Sent Me” I thought of Vanessa as a singer with gorgeous voice; now I think of her as a fully realised, multi-talented artist. When I grow up, I want to be like Vanessa.