Dear Ray,
I’ve heard that you go to the gym a lot. I am a complete n00b and have no idea how to behave at the gym. Can you give me some hints how to become a queen king of popularity and be universally loved by staff, gym rats and other n00bs alike?
Yours,
Fifi de Plomme, Esq., also known as FutureMuscle79
Dear Fifi,
I am truly delighted that you have asked me. I have, you see, devoted a lot of thought to this topic. I have observed fellow gym rats, newbies and you, Buenita Aurelia, and I have come to the conclusion there are in fact no universal rules common for every human being that feels a strange, unexplainable need to lift heavy objects every now and then. Nevertheless, here’s a few rules that I have many times observed in action. (Yes, this is based on observation of real, living, breathing humans.)
You too can be a popular bodybuilder!
1. When you see a sign saying “please clean the machine when you are finished”, they don’t mean you. That sign is for other people. Other people’s sweat is disgusting. Your sweat is like cologne, and it has power to heal people. You should distribute a layer of your sweat everywhere, on every machine. And if anyone (weirdo!) doesn’t like it, they can wipe it themselves. Right?
2. Putting weights and dumbbells back in place is for dorks. Honestly, who would have time for that? Your time is limited. If you’re a heavy lifter, especially, you know how tedious it is, putting back all those weights. Better leave 20kg plates loaded to the squat machine, there’s a thin bloke next, he’ll gain a lot by taking them off. And if he decides they’re too heavy for him to remove from the machine, that simply proves he shouldn’t be here.
3. A real popularity booster: show how serious you are about the gym by simultaneously using as many machines as possible! Put your towel on the bench press, your water bottle on the pec deck, your sweaty t-shirt on the incline press and go somewhere, preferably to the other end of the room, to work your shoulders or something. When you come back to collect your stuff, you might notice people giving you looks. They stare in admiration — they know you are so much more important than them, they wouldn’t even dream of using the machines you decided to “reserve” anyway. Plus, chicks really dig the guys who can work out on four machines at once, especially if those machines are in different rooms.
4. Since I mentioned sweat already: it really makes no sense at all to shower before the workout. So what you’ve been out last night, came back smelling of cigarette smoke, stale sweat and booze? It still makes no sense to shower in the morning before working out. You’re going to need to shower afterwards anyway! Plus, maybe other people’s sweat smells bad, but yours, as we mentioned, is like cologne. If I were you I would stop showering altogether. Water is expensive and there are many people who don’t get any drinkable water. You owe it to humanity to never shower again.
5. Nothing says “I am a grown up man who doesn’t live with his mommy and often has sex with actual other human beings” like taking off your clothes after workout, dropping them on the locker room floor in colourful smelly piles and departing towards the showers. In fact, you become more manly the more space on the floor you manage to take with your trainers, sneakers, underpants and socks. Too bad most gyms don’t seem to offer mixed dressing rooms, chicks would be SO impressed. (If you’re gay, you have an advantage here. Use it!)
6. It is perfectly okay to occupy machines such as crosstrainers or treadmills not using them and instead use the opportunity to talk to fellow gymgoers. Especially the ones that look busy — they love answering your questions, but only the ones that aren’t related to training itself, I mean — who would want to talk about lifting and cardio when you can comment on the size of the arse of that hot chick in the other corner? Plus, you don’t really have to exercise at the gym, the fact that you got there at all burns calories already.
7. If you happen to be on a crosstrainer or bike and nobody sits next to you so you don’t have anybody to chat with, just train very slowly. It’s totally okay to pedal on a bike as if you were racing a turtle and wanted to make sure the turtle wins, and crosstrainers, well, I know that THEORETICALLY they have like 20 degrees of difficulty, but nobody uses degrees 2-20. If anybody wanted to get that kind of tired, they would… well… erm… I’ll get back to you. Plus, you look silly when you get hot and sweaty, who would want to risk that? (Especially for ungrateful swines who tell you to wipe the machine at the end. As if you had time for that.) Use the time to read a magazine, correct your make-up or hairdo, talk on your mobile or text, etc.
8. Your gym is like your home so act like you’re living there. Like for instance — the sauna and the dryer are almost the same, both get hot and you can put items in both! So what else to do but put your post-workout clothes in the sauna to dry? So what if you use two out of four benches to distribute your sweaty t-shirts and the next person who wants to join doesn’t have anywhere to sit? They should have been faster. That will teach them. And anyway — what the hell are they doing at YOUR home?
9. Speaking of sauna, that sign that says “towel and flip-flops are obligatory”? It’s like with the sign that says “do not use mobile phones” and “wipe your sweat from the machines when you are done”, it’s aimed at other people. You are special and don’t need to follow it.
10. The most important: be loud! Nothing, I say nothing makes your fellow gym goers love and admire you as much as loud grunting, singing along with your ipod, shouting or dropping weights to the floor so hard that the entire building vibrates. There’s this gorgeous specimen of a hunk at my gym who likes to shout his repetitions during a workout: ONE!!! TWO!!! THREE!!! FOUR!!! It serves many purposes — everybody notices him and admires his amazing form, also — they can just start their sets together with him and so he does the counting for them so they don’t get lost, and — this is especially true if you are doing the bench press and have 80 kilograms of iron hovering over your face — you wouldn’t believe how stress-resistant it makes you when you need to be alert at all times not to drop a heavy weight on your face! And the girl who sings along with her ipod (which seems to be loaded with Mariah Carey songs, judging by the sounds the girl emits)? She is like sooooo popular. Everybody loves her! Do the same and you won’t believe how many people will want to hold your hand and tell you they want to be just like you when they grow up.
Not all is yet finished — I am in particular aware of problems with short pages and photograph captions — if you see something reeeeeally awkward please let me know in the comments.
