“I am wearing last year’s jacket. People can SEE me wearing a 2007 jacket…”

I couldn’t have become this person. No. I didn’t. It was someone else’s thought invading my head. Really…

Consider the following image: two women tie a man to the chair, then put clamps on his nipples, brutally play with his genitals not allowing him to come, then one of them sits on top of the man and satisfies herself with his penis, then the other does the same.

Now consider the same image, but with gender roles reversed: two men tie a woman to a chair, put clamps on her nipples, brutally insert their fingers into her vagina, then both use her body to satisfy themselves. Does the imagery awake the same associations in you, or slightly different?

I’ll give you a hint about what I mean: to me, the first image sounds like a porn scene (let’s leave aside the questions as to whether it’s an especially imaginative porn scene, is porn in good taste, etc.) The second sounds like rape. Does that make me: sexist? Feminist? Post-feminist? Stupid?

A blog I discovered after the author lost interest in it, Brotherlove, wrote about a similar setup in gay version: there are movies in which, say, six black men “capture” a white guy, then abuse him in all ways imaginable. That kind of porn sells great amounts. But if six white men captured a black guy, then tied him down and abused, it would sound like some kind of sick KKK video. The first imagery makes me aroused, the second imagery makes me feel very uneasy and hope the makers of such movie end up in trouble. What if the white men were blonde, buff and dressed in uniforms, and the black guy was very slim and dressed in black and white striped pyjamas? It’s just clothes, right? It’s just a fantasy, right? It’s alright as long as nobody gets hurt, right? Or isn’t it? Why is it so unimaginable that there might actually exist black males that would find the second movie arousing if the audience for the first movie mostly consists of white men?

A certain Polish blogger, let’s leave the identity out of equation, used to write those fiery posts about how any kind of penis-in-orifice penetration in sex is, basically, wrong. He equated it with a man taking possession over a woman’s/other man’s body, called it rape, destruction and other loaded words. The same blogger, now, a few years later, informs us on his gaydar page that he likes to be fisted. I have to admit that I see nothing wrong with either of those stances (although personally neither appeals to me), but the fact that the same person, in relatively short distance of time, professes such radically different views, makes me feel uneasy. Am I just shallow?

I used to date a black American man — let’s call him B — for a while and introduced him to a few of my colleagues (coincidentally he broke up with me two days later, but I don’t think it was because of my colleagues). A few months later I was having a conversation with my boss where I mentioned it would be lovely to employ someone from Africa at our company because we have people from Europe, America, Australia and Asia, but no real Africans — only some people of Surinamese descent but that doesn’t really count if you live in the Netherlands. One of my colleagues overheard that conversation and bursted “yeah, we know about your taste”. My taste has never been mentioned in this context when I was in a three year relationship with Scipio, who happens to be white.

A few weeks later, on a drinking night, I have blurted half-jokingly and half-drunkenly that my experience with B makes me never want to date a black American guy again. The same colleague who mentioned my taste earlier was appalled at the statement, and I don’t believe it was because I used the word “American”.

Which one of us is racist? Either? None? Both? Does the fact we weren’t sober on either of the occasions make it better or worse?

Yet another difficult to answer question: if you are only attracted to people of the same skin colour, are you a racist? If you are only attracted to people of a different race than your own, are you a racist? If you are white, but only attracted to people of colour, are you subconsciously being colonialist? If you are black, but only attracted to white people, are you subconsciously compensating for something? Can you be “innocently” attracted to people of a different race and avoid those questions?

Another example: imagine a black man calling his white boyfriend a racist in a fight over something. Is this fair? Could his white boyfriend retort with the same card and if he did, how would both parties feel about that?

How would I have felt if I were told that Amsterdam will organise Straight Pride next year? What kind of haircut, political stance and messages would I subconsciously expect to dominate Straight Pride? Would Straight Pride be a happy celebration of varied kinds of human sexuality, a jolly occasion attended by hundreds of thousands of visitors, who would afterwards go to street parties, dances and, well, sex clubs? What kind of sex clubs would a typical Straight Pride devotee like to visit?

If you are a straight married man who reads a gay man’s blog where the aforementioned gay man writes openly about his sex life, what is your motivation? If you are a gay man who loves reading women’s blogs about their dates and sex life, what is your motivation? If you are a straight woman who loves reading gay man’s blog, what is your motivation?

Can a female prostitute enjoy her job? Is it really worse to be a prostitute who enjoys her job than to be an office worker who hates her or his job profoundly but stays there anywhere? Is it easier or harder to imagine a male prostitute enjoying his job than it is to imagine a female prostitute enjoying hers? What words come to your mind when you imagine a woman who genuinely enjoys making money through being an escort — she isn’t a victim forced by her brutal pimp/kidnapped in Eastern Europe/a mental patient/drug addict/whatever other justifications you may come up with, she just REALLY likes doing what she do and the fact she gets money for it makes it her dream job? Does asking those questions make you think I must be a sick pervert? (I actually write this on a sunny Sunday afternoon, while eating pasta and stir-fry chicken; I am not hiding in the darkness, there are no candles around and I haven’t consumed any drugs or alcohol before I started writing. Is this surprising?)

Are certain things more okay for some people than for others?

Will this blog posting get me into trouble, and if yes, why?

Do you find this posting offensive, and if yes, why?

Brotherlove writes: “Like most of us involved in this discussion, I am offering more questions than answers.” Do we actually know the answers, both him and me, just don’t dare to write them down?

I identify myself as a member of the following social circles/groups — some of them might reject me, but nevertheless I feel a member:

* geeks
* body modification fans
* equalling sex with gender is soooo 20th century
* mixed race
* queers
* graphic designers
* (amateur) writers
* (amateur) musicians
* music lovers (of the “Music is my hot hot sex” variety and if you don’t know who this song is by without Google then you are obviously not a member of this group)
* vinyl collectors
* multilinguals
* multiculturals
* readers (as in a person who enjoys reading books made of paper)
* collectors
* freaks’n'oddballs
* Europeans

Here’s a list of my religious beliefs:

* The Smiths were better than Morrissey solo
* ‘Coupling’ Was Better Than ‘Friends’
* Kylie Kylie Kylie (yes that constitutes a belief)
* people who prefer American versions of British TV series are shallow
* music was better when I was younger than it is now
* MTV was better when it actually played videos
* people who say sentences starting with “I would love to get a tattoo but…” are cowards
* most men look better with facial hair
* and those who are not balding look better with long hair
* I mean, have you seen Lord Of The Rings?
* the best Pet Shop Boys album is “Actually” and that is a FACT
* reincarnation makes perfect sense from the atheist’s point of view — nature reuses everything it can, so if you make one small assumption that there is a difference between a living creature and a dead creature, then call that difference whatever you wish — id, soul, spark — then that thing gets reused too once the creature dies (I haven’t yet made my mind up as to whether we get to be the same or different species once we reincarnate)
* ‘The Hours’ is the finest moment in the careers of Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore, but for Meryl Streep it is but another shining pearl on a very long string of shining pearls, I mean, oh my GOD what an awesome actress
* (any mentions of ‘Mamma Mia’ shall not be appreciated)
* people who don’t work out are lazy sods who spend too much time and energy on finding excuses
* which I admit means I was a lazy sod who spent too much time and energy on finding excuses for the first 29 years of my life
* people who vote right-wing are either simpletons who like simple explanations or egoists who made loads of money/good careers/whatever and want to keep all that to themselves, thankyouverymuch
* Portuguese is the sexiest language ever invented
* it makes no sense to buy Het Parool when Swamp Thing is no longer in there

1 ! 1 METHOD OF MODERN LOVE/THIS IS TOMORROW
Saint Etienne
2 1 5 POCKET (REDUX)
Sam Sparro
3 2 7 QUICKSAND
La Roux
4 6 4 THE FEAR
Lily Allen
5 4 7 HEART OF WAX
Vanessa Daou
6 ! 1 STOP I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE
Sharleen Spiteri
7 ! 1 INDELIBLY YOU (REWORK BY GOT TA SCATTA)
Beth Hirsch
8 3 4 JE SUIS UN HOMME
Zazie
9 7 8 IF I KNOW YOU
Presets
10 9 11 SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)
Beyonce
(more…)

Despite the blog silence, I haven’t actually died. I just haven’t had internet at home for weeks now. (Thank you xs4all, you may be sure I will tell everyone I know about the quality of your services.)

There are things happening, of course. Not having internet means I have time to do other things — like music. I have finished the instrumentals for a new shadowfighter album, “Three” which will be released in March (I assume here I will have finished the vocals by then). A new website shall follow, well, when I have internet. Also regular blogging shall resume then. And regular MSN presence. Etc.

In other news, one of my rats, Sheep, is not doing very well. Both boys caught a nasty feet infection, but while Mole pretty much recovered (the vet says his feet will never look the same again, but he’s a fat, happy rat with lots of energy and that’s what matters), Sheep lost over 20% of his body weight, can barely walk despite heavy doses of painkillers and, in general, doesn’t look good. His fur now has balding patches and the fact that he now associates me with being force-fed antibiotics doesn’t help because as a result he hates me, doesn’t trust me a bit and bites me at every opportunity (and I can’t blame the poor thing after what I do to him — as smart as he is, I haven’t found a way yet to explain to him that the nasty syringe is for his own good). It breaks my heart to see him wobble on his swollen feet, and it breaks my heart double that I can’t really do anything more for him than I do already…

Almost got rid of the old apartment now. Started painting it and to my surprise that’s going quite well, although I have to say it isn’t the most enjoyable work I have ever done. (I mean, I am painting white over my lovely colours. A person that doesn’t like sunny yellow walls and prefers them to be white must vote right-wing. Yes, this was an insult.) I also managed to sell an old sofa for 1 euro, so I am now basking in money. Yay! Well I would be, if not for the fact I have about 600 euro to pay in bills. Well, 599 more sofas and I am done.

What else — the new Saint Etienne single is absolutely fucking fantastic. (The Saint Etienne mailing list traditionally hate it. Someone even said that the Etienne entered their Modern Talking phase, which is a major insult, plus, completely untrue. They have entered their Kylie-when-she-gets-things-right phase.) It’s one of those songs for which the phrase “unashamedly pop” was invented, it’s sexy, slick, dancey, youthful and it makes me do that walk (you know which one) and pretend that I am a blonde teenage girl called Sarah, wooing boys at a disco. Marvellous.

It only takes a moment to rewrite every single page
you never know
when you feel your eyes lock and engage,
changing time forever (oh oh oh oh oh)
there’s no sense or reason why we’re shot
with the bolt of blue
and there’s no path for the heart to follow,
no one side that you have to choose

you know there’s more, there’s more than one love
you know there’s more, there’s more than one love
you know there’s more, there’s more, there’s more to love

I think I am being haunted by a ghost.

I spent the last two weeks looking for a measurement tape which should have been with all my toiletries. Since I am moving, I thought it’s probably — well — in some other box. Nevertheless, as I unpacked more and more boxes, it hasn’t been found. Then on Wednesday evening I looked into the toiletries closet again, slightly hopelessly, and guess what was there, not at all obscured by other things, but proudly displayed in the front? My measurement tape…

On Thursday at work I filled my ipod with music, then put it in the side pocket of my gym bag, closed the zipper, went to the gym, opened the zipper and didn’t find the ipod there. A bit baffled, I looked again, then again, then checked if it didn’t by any chance slide into the wallet (in the same pocket). Nope. I did a workout without my ipod (the music at the gym tends to be on the cheese-from-five-years-ago side but it’s sort of uptempo so I survived), then returned to work to discover the ipod on my desk. I would just assume that I forgot it if not for the fact I remembered very vividly putting it in the pocket and sliding the zipper back…

I went to Albert Heijn to buy a lightbulb for my fridge. I’ve located one, looked at it, then put it in my basket together with other things. I paid, packed my stuff, then left. At home I realised the lightbulb wasn’t in the bag. Bewildered, I checked my pockets. Nada. Gym bag? Nope. Pockets again? Nothing. I looked at the receipt to see how much money I lost on the lightbulb. It wasn’t on the receipt. It looks like it disappeared between the moment I picked it up from the shelf and the moment I arrived at the counter. How…?! It’s not like people were picking things from my basket on the way, nor can I imagine leaving it in the basket by accident…

I’ve been looking for The Smiths’ debut album for the last few months. My CDs, largely alphabetically arranged, didn’t seem to contain it. Puzzled, I wondered if I really had it — it wasn’t in my itunes library either, and I couldn’t really imagine NOT having ripped a Smiths’ album. Then last night I looked at one of the CD shelves (my CDs now a complete mess after the move) and guess what I found on top, proudly displaying the front artwork for the world to see…?

I think the ghost must be having charitable intentions — well, not with the ipod or the lightbulb perhaps, but it is, in fact, very handy to have The Smiths and the measurement tape again. Dear ghost, can you please let me know where the following things are located:

1. Dusty Springfield’s “Reputation” CD — I have the cover but not the CD;
2. Kylie’s “Videos 88-98″ DVD — same situation, I have the box but not the disc itself;
3. Garbage’s “Version 2.0″ box — I have the disc but not the box;
4. five million euros (well I’ve never had five million euros but wouldn’t mind finding such a thing accidentally).

I think that’s it for starters. Thank you in advance!

*

I wrote this post at home, put it on a USB stick (still no internet — if you ever think of getting internet through xs4all, bang your head repeatedly against the wall until you stop having stupid ideas), then placed the stick in my gym bag. I thought about whether to put it in the side pocket or the main compartment and decided on the main compartment, because I was afraid that the cold weather could somehow affect it if it’s in the side pocket. So I did. I arrived at work, opened the bag and the stick wasn’t there.

That ghost does not want to be outed, I realised. But I had to go home anyway to pick up a CD (I want to use identical paper for one of work projects). So I went home and looked for the USB stick. It wasn’t there.

“You stupid ghost” I thought angrily. “I’ll find it anyway. I know for sure it has to be either in the bag or somewhere at the apartment. I’m ready to dig through all the things I own to find that stick, just to prove a point. You won’t escape the inquiring public.”

Then I returned to work, opened the gym bag, stuck a hand in and immediately found the USB stick there, without even looking…

1 3 4 POCKET (REDUX)
Sam Sparro
2 1 6 QUICKSAND
La Roux
3 4 3 JE SUIS UN HOMME
Zazie
4 2 6 HEART OF WAX
Vanessa Daou
5 6 3 CIRCUS
Britney Spears
6 7 3 THE FEAR
Lily Allen
7 8 7 IF I KNOW YOU
Presets
8 5 8 OVERTURE
The Unbending Trees feat. Tracey Thorn
9 10 10 SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)
Beyonce
10 ! 1 TO LOSE MY LIFE
White Lies
(more…)

1 4 5 QUICKSAND
La Roux
2 1 5 HEART OF WAX
Vanessa Daou
3 6 3 POCKET (REDUX)
Sam Sparro
4 3 2 JE SUIS UN HOMME
Zazie
5 2 7 OVERTURE
The Unbending Trees feat. Tracey Thorn
6 7 2 CIRCUS
Britney Spears
7 8 2 THE FEAR
Lily Allen
8 5 6 IF I KNOW YOU
Presets
9 11 11 BEDROOM EYES
Natty
10 12 9 SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)
Beyonce

(more…)

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• hell (4x)
• suck (3x)
• dangerous (2x)
• sex (1x)

Yes I know I haven’t blogged in ages. Two weeks sans internet do that to you.

Yes, xs4all is still being useless. I’ve had quite a few conversations now along the lines of “your internet connection was supposed to be moved on the 7th”/”yes I am aware of that, so when will it be moved?”/”I have no idea but please call us three days from now”.

I am considering pulling rank, as I work for a Very Important Internet Company. “Do you know who I am?” It’s just that I work for them as a graphic designer, so if they ask me a single technical question, I’m going to look very, very silly. So perhaps I shall wait another three days. And then, no doubt, another…