In February I wrote:

Less than two weeks ago I called my mother and found out my grandmother has cancer in her glands. The doctors said they could perhaps operate, but she could as well die on the operating table ? she?s not exactly young. They didn?t know where the cancer came from; she had it in her jaw before, and apparently the glands are a secondary place to have cancer, so it meant that it either came from the one in her jaw a few years ago, or? somewhere else. [...] I am going to Poland this weekend to, well, say goodbye. The doctors refused to give an estimate of how much time she has left; she?s in very bad shape altogether, and the cancer isn?t her only problem, although it is the biggest. I have to go there, visit her, keep on smiling and being upbeat and pretending everything is OK and that I?m there sort of accidentally and not at all because I fear I might never have a chance to tell her again that I love her.

A few months later doctors said that actually it wasn’t cancer; it was something else, but they didn’t know what. Then she got better. Then she got worse again. Then she got better. Then, recently, she landed in hospital with a lung inflammation; she was about to be released on Friday. But on Friday morning she had a massive brain hemorrhage and is now in the coma. Within five days doctors shall determine whether she shall die or survive… but remain unable to breathe on her own, speak, move or interact. Basically, her brain is now dead, and body shall follow, they just don’t know for sure when.

In February I was shocked, horrified, stressed, whatever else you can think of, I was all those things. Now, though… the last 9 months have been really hard for her and for my Mom and family. I don’t really want to go into detail, but when a very active person gets grounded in bed, it isn’t very easy, neither for that person nor for people surrounding them. Her hospital visits, despite the lack of cancer, became more and more frequent, her personality changed, my family almost split in two over the treatments, money, time they could/would devote to her. I saw her again in the summer, I was lucky like that. It did occur to me that it was the last time, when I visited her just before my flight, and saw a very, very thin person, almost hidden by a duvet, lying in bed and breathing with difficulty. I said my goodbye, and I said I loved her, and she said she loved me too.

I don’t really have any ideas for a nice round ending of this post, you have to forgive me here.

*

Life wrote the ending (yes it’s a cliche thing to say), my grandmother died today during the day, without regaining consciousness.

Day 15 vs Day 1:

• Weight: 77.0 vs 78.4
• Hips circumference: 82 cm vs 86.5 cm
• Waist size: 76 cm vs 78 cm
• Body fat level: 10.9% vs 13.4%

Continuing!

I used to write a dating blog once, which was inspired largely by two people: Rachel Kramer-Bussel and Belle de Jour. Rachel was brave enough to write about sex under her real name, and with photographs; Belle wanted to keep her anonymity, as a high-end call girl who also had a day job. She wrote and published books under her assumed name; a BBC TV series was made, based on her books, starring Billie Piper; not even her agent knew who she was. Until now.

In an interview with Sunday Times, which may or not may be inspired by the fact there is an ex-boyfriend with a big mouth, and Daily Mail might or not have contacted Belle beforehand to try and strike a deal, the identity of the anonymous blogger is revealed, and it is way impressive. “Her name is Dr Brooke Magnanti. Her specialist areas are developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology. She has a PhD in informatics, epidemiology and forensic science and is now working at the Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health. She is part of a team researching the effects of exposure to the pesticide chlorpyrifos on foetuses and infants.” She worked as a call-girl for 14 months, because she ran out of money while writing her PhD and couldn’t get a job in the field before she completed it.

I remember reading Belle’s blog and being impressed by the quality of writing; by her stories; by her no-nonsense, no-guilt approach to being a sex worker. A lot of people liked to think that, yes, perhaps Belle was a prostitute and didn’t feel guilty about it, but she was fictional; now Dr Magnanti’s revelation means that not only she is real, but also 1) a woman, 2) very attractive, 3) very intelligent and educated — and still she feels no guilt or remorse about having worked as a call girl. People who like to say all prostitutes are drug addicts and/or half-brain-half-biscuit self-hating miserable beings who hate themselves will have a tough time explaining that one.

“How many men has she slept with for money? ?A lot.? Dozens? Hundreds? ?I can?t honestly remember,? she says, laughing. ?Somewhere between dozens and hundreds.? Then India Knight, who conducted the interview, adds: “The laughter isn?t entirely convincing”. Of course it isn’t, India, it would be so disturbing if it was, right? She MUST feel guilty, even if she says she doesn’t. “I scrutinise her face without quite knowing what I?m looking for ? dead eyes, maybe, like in a movie, or something a bit grim and hard around the mouth. But both are perfectly normal; she is, if anything, sweet-faced and gentle-looking.” It would be so much more handy if she was a tough street-wise lady who barks in baritone while shooting around icy cold looks that could kill a cockroach, wouldn’t it?

“No regrets, then? Did she ever feel lonely? ?Sometimes. But, again, because of the writing, not because of the sex. And being anonymous is no fun. No jolly lunches to celebrate the book?s success; I couldn?t even go to my own launch party. On the plus side, I didn?t have to do book tours.? Until now. ?Yes, until now.?

I am not saying being a sex worker is a piece of cake, and/or that every single woman or man who has ever worked in that particular business has enjoyed it thoroughly and feels no remorse. But then, I never claimed to know what every single sex worker feels like — unlike the conservative right, who fight to delegalise prostitution and pornography because it objectifies women, without asking women themselves how they feel about it. I believe that it is this approach — the holier-than-thou “I know what you feel like better than you do” — that really objectifies people. And I am very happy to see that Belle/Brooke will not bow and admit that she feels guilty and unhappy and wishes that sex and liquor never tempted her towards the sinful life.

(Plus, I hope that Belle’s blog will continue.)

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about my 30 day challenge and I mentioned that a part of it is not drinking coffee. Then I admitted drinking lots of green tea. “Aha!” he exclaimed. “So you basically still get 5 cups of coffee a day!”

My initial reaction was to produce a chart that said an espresso has 100 mg of caffeine, while a cup of green tea has 15, but then I thought, really, this is like the time when I was vegetarian. I haven’t eaten any meat for three years or thereabouts, but at any party there would always be one of those people who would point at my leather boots and exclaim “Aha! You are not really saving animals! Is this leather I see!” I could then explain how leather is really a by-product from cows getting killed for their meat, but really… what’s the point?

There is ALWAYS more that I could be doing. I could be running a mile before breakfast. But then, I could run two miles before breakfast. I go to the gym four or five times a week, but I could go six. And I could also spend more time on my Dutch. And on drawing. And writing. And making music. And I could give up green tea, of course. But is there really a point where I should be heading to avoid hearing my friend exclaim triumphantly “Aha! You own a leather wallet! So you do hate animals after all!”?

That old slogan that goes “it is not the destination that matters but the journey”? It’s kinda true. Because being fit isn’t about going towards some goal (what would that be, winning the olympics?) and then wiping sweat off your brow and going “aaah, now I can relax with pizza and beer”. (Unless of course you are Kevin Federline.) I am not trying to make my friends envy me, or to stop using any caffeine whatsoever, or to single-handedly save the planet. All I am trying to do is succeed in my small tiny little easypeasy 30 day challenge. And even if I fail on one of those days, I still succeeded 29 times.

So people are talking to me about my 30 day challenge. Some are impressed. Some are pissed off. Some are condescending. Some are laughing about it.

The most familiar reaction is actually irritation: “It’s easy for you.” Or: “Well, I would do that too, but I have children/I live in a small town/I don’t have time/I don’t know how to do that.” When I start to explain how to do that, the person dismisses me with a quick “oh nooo, I really don’t think it’s my thing”. Then they grab a donut.

(True story: I had a flatmate who was trying to lose weight. He would approach it like this: breakfast — a few grapes; lunch — a few grapes; dinner: a big cake since he was so good all day. That was years ago. Apparently, though, he is still doing it — a friend told me they went to a party together and ex-flatmate was going on about his healthy lifestyle while consuming an entire bag of crisps.)

I know all about excuses, because I was a king of excuses for 29 years. I couldn’t work out because: it was tiring, time-consuming, I didn’t know how to do it, everybody would stare at me, I didn’t like people who went to the gym, I didn’t have time, didn’t know any gyms nearby, didn’t want to look like a bodybuilder, and — above all — my weight gain was simply a result of old age, I told myself, eating my pizza with side salad, because I was a healthy eater after all.

Original motivation for me to start working out was of two kinds: 1. it was either that, or buying new wardrobe in larger sizes — I couldn’t fit into any of my pants anymore except for one size 34 pair that was threatening to burst any moment; and 2. my boss, who told me he worked out five times a week, which I found a scary, unnatural and… exciting idea. Is it POSSIBLE to work out five times a week? I wondered. Doesn’t that KILL people? But my boss looked very much alive.

That was three years ago. My motivation changed. First, I wanted to lose weight. Then I wanted to gain strength (let’s face it, you don’t become a huge bodybuilder unless you use steroids and work waaaaaay harder than 99.9% people going to gyms do… but a nice muscular figure has NEVER gone out of fashion, and it’s so handy to be able to lift your own luggage). Then I just fell in love with the lifestyle, with lifting, sweating and relaxing at the sauna afterwards and the pleasant ache and feeling I did well.

Food-wise? Protein shakes and meat form a large part of my diet. People who complain about how disgusting protein shakes are, obviously never had one, or not since the Nineties. The new brands are cheap and taste like melted ice cream, which is very much up my alley, I love ice cream.

So why do I need to do the 30 day challenge? First of all, there’s focus; it’s easy to tell yourself “yars, yars, I am eating healthy, so there’s no harm in another glass of wine” or “yars, I had a leg workout today, so there’s no harm in having a huge bowl of spaghetti for dinner”. It’s okay if you do that once or twice a week, but if you do it everyday, you are quite unlikely to become ripped. Second of all, I like to prove to myself that I can do it. And third, I lost over 1.5 kg fat within the first 9 days. Unlike people on stupid diets consisting of grapes, ice cubes and “bowel relaxing tea”, I didn’t lose water or muscle tissue. I lost fat. And suddenly, 9 days later, I went from “you’re not fat, darling, just a bit… rounded here and there” to having a nice, flat stomach. Beat that.

It is okay if people laugh about it. It is okay if people roll their eyes and mutter something about insanity. It is okay if people say “I wish I had your determination” while munching on a donut with double glazing. It is okay when they say “I wish I knew how to do it… BUT DON’T TELL ME”. Because it’s not about them. It’s not even about boyfriend (although I suspect he might enjoy the end result). It’s not about anyone else. It’s about me. My motivation is me. Sure, pictures of ripped men that I put on my fridge, mobile and computer wallpaper help in a way — they help me stay in focus when I have impure thoughts about pizza — but at the end, I am my own motivation. And if you don’t have that kind of motivation, you’re doing something wrong.

I missed yoga yet again on Monday, because I was doing something very, very important.

I have this idea, which is probably very heterophobic of me, that most straight people don’t really consider HIV/AIDS to be “their problem”. Yeah, they think, of course everybody can catch HIV, but not me, I never sleep with cheap sluts/ugly men/anyone who looks ill, so I must be safe. Or: I’ve only had one partner in my life and she is so sweet, she never wants to tell me about her ex-boyfriends but she’s so lovely and I met her mom, her and HIV? Please, she probably doesn’t know how to spell it! Etc.

Boyfriend and me went to a restaurant a while ago. They were playing a CD I enjoyed a lot, and I asked what was it — it was Jack Johnson. Jack’s lyrics are about banana pancakes, staying long in bed and being romantic while holding hands and looking deeply into his school sweetheart’s eyes. I am a romantic person too, and that’s why I find it very important to get tested together; because for a gay man HIV is a part of everyday life. Some seek it actively, some get drunk and high to avoid thinking about it, some — like me — are simply very, very aware of its existence and while they do not discriminate against those who have it for whatever reason, they do not have a wish to join their ranks unless of course that can not be avoided.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my result — after boyfriend already got his, and it was negative — thoughts ran through my head. I’ve never had any unsafe sex, not since my last test, right? When was N.? That was May-June 2008, so if my last test was August, perhaps there was something… undetected? Did he really wear a condom that last time? What if it burst?

Another thing: I don’t really believe in 100% safe sex, except for being in a monogamous relationship with a trusted partner. There is safer sex, but 99% and 100% are very different in very many ways. Does anybody really ever use condoms for oral sex? I never met anyone who does. What about my dentist? Is he as clean as I like to think he is? What about my tattoos — yes, there has never been a case recorded of HIV transmission that could be directly linked to tattooing outside prison, but what if I am case #1?

And then the lovely doctor (nurse?) emerged from her room with a smile on her face and I knew my worries were unnecessary; everything was alright, she said, warmly smiling. I wish you a nice relatie… relation… ship? — she added, unsure of her English. Thank you dear, I replied in my head. I wondered if she knew how big a step this was for me; I consider getting tested together more important than getting married. If you get married, and you sleep around, you risk lawyers’ fees, breaking the Holy Institution Of Marriage and generally lots of spending and paperwork. If you get tested together, stop using condoms with your partner, but continue to sleep around, you risk your life and your partner’s.

For a gay man living in Amsterdam, I am practically a Victorian virgin; I never went to sex clubs, never had sex in a sauna, never left a party with someone else than I arrived with. I like Jack Johnson’s view of life, and I like being realistic. We’ll eat banana pancakes once my 30 day challenge is over, and we’ll enjoy sex in many ways and positions, knowing that we won’t give the person we love a gift they will never forget or get rid of, as hard as they may try.

 1   1   3  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 2  30  19  THE GIRL AND THE ROBOT
            Royksopp feat. Robyn
 3   7   2  3
            Britney Spears
 4   2   4  SHE CAME ALONG
            Sharam feat. Kid Cudi
 5   3   8  ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART (RICHARD X BETA VERSION)
            Saint Etienne
 6   5   4  BODIES
            Robbie Williams
 7   8   4  PHANTOM BRIDE
            Erasure
 8   4   6  SPLITTING THE ATOM
            Massive Attack
 9  13   2  HOTEL ROOM SERVICE
            Pitbull



10   9   2  HAPPY HOUSE
            The Juan MacLean
 (more...)

Queen’s new cash in compilation, “Absolute Greatest” (because “The Best”, “Very Best”, “Greatest Hits” etc. were all taken I presume) is out Nov 16, and the press release is a gift that keeps on giving:

If you’re looking for the perfect gift for the music lover in your life, there is a great Queen compilation CD you should consider.

Because most music lovers have never heard of Queen, and a 1CD cash-in will totally change their life.

Queen’s “Absolute Greatest” hits US music stores on November 10, 2009, and is one of the best and most complete Queen compilation records to date.

Except for the 3CD “Greatest Hits I+II+III” also known as “Platinum Queen” which contains 31 more songs, that is. And “Greatest Hits I+II” which contains 14 more songs. So, yeah, I guess one of the most complete except all the more complete ones.

“Bohemian Rhapsody”, one of Queen’s most famous songs, has been absent from some earlier Queen greatest hits albums

…to be precise, “Greatest Hits II” which features songs released post-1981, and “Queen Rocks” from which it is absent because it isn’t very rock…

despite enjoying a resurgence in popularity in the 1990s after the movie “Wayne’s World” was released.

Which, funnily enough, is why “Classic Queen” came out in 1992, and contained “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

However, “Absolute Greatest” does include “Bohemian Rhapsody” in its track listing.

OMGLOLZ! What a SURPRISE!!!

Other famous Queen songs that are included on “Absolute Greatest” are “Radio Ga Ga”, “Another One Bites the Dust”, “Killer Queen”, and “We Will Rock You”.

“Famous Queen songs”. Who wrote this shit? Someone who’s 17, never heard of Queen before and their native language is Russian?

Queen’s brilliant collaboration with David Bowie, “Under Pressure” is also featured on “Absolute Greatest”.

This is as opposed to Queen’s numerous not brilliant collaborations with David Bowie?

If you prefer Queen’s slower paced songs, “Absolute Greatest” will be sure to satisfy you.

…every now and then, between the faster paced songs which will not satisfy you.

Songs like “We Are the Champions” and “Somebody to Love” showcase Freddie Mercury’s voice to perfection against a background of beautiful melodies.

While the other 18 obscure Freddie’s voice against a background of monotonous noise.

“Absolute Greatest” is by far the best Queen compilation record to be released.

That’s quite a statement to make about a 20-track CD missing out “Innuendo”. It is, though, the best 1CD Queen cash-in released in the last two years.

No Queen collection can be complete without the addition of this great CD.

OMG I THINK I’M GONNA DIE

Whether you buy the single CD or two CD special box set, “Absolute Greatest” will give you many hours of Queen listening pleasure.

Erm, it’s got 20 songs on it. It’s going to give me at most 80 minutes of Queen listening pleasure. Except it’s not, because the 1995 Greatest Hits I + II boxed set contains all songs from Absolute Greatest except for “Heaven For Everyone” which is the least exciting Queen single ever not to feature Wyclef Jean.

Pffff.

 1   1   2  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 2   4   3  SHE CAME ALONG
            Sharam feat. Kid Cudi
 3   2   7  ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART (RICHARD X BETA VERSION)
            Saint Etienne
 4   5   5  SPLITTING THE ATOM
            Massive Attack
 5   7   3  BODIES
            Robbie Williams
 6   3   9  THIS MOMENTARY
            Delphic



 7   !   1  3
            Britney Spears
 8  14   3  PHANTOM BRIDE
            Erasure
 9   !   1  HAPPY HOUSE
            The Juan MacLean
10   9   3  WANT
            Natalie Imbruglia
 (more...)

To my pyromaniac disappointment, we don’t have it here in the Netherlands Which is a shame because I would totally want to do this… (not)