1. Love Etc. - Pet Shop Boys                              970  1  6 29
  2. The girl and the robot - Royksopp feat. Robyn          707  1  3 25
  3. Day'N'Nite (original/Crookers mix) - Kid Cudi          647  1  2 22
  4. Box N' Locks - Mpho                                    576  2  - 19
  5. I'm not alone - Calvin Harris                          553  1  1 20
  6. Anthonio - Annie                                       547  1  1 18
  7. Only love... (Richard X version) - Saint Etienne       529  1  2 15
  8. Welcome to heartbreak - Kanye West feat. Kid Cudi      520  2  - 19
  9. This Momentary - Delphic                               507  1  2 17
 10. Bulletproof - La Roux                                  506  3  - 18
 11. Return the favor - Keri Hilson feat. Timbaland         473  4  - 15
 12. One More Chance - Bloc Party                           459  1  4 16
 13. Stuck On Repeat - Little Boots                         449  1  2 16
 14. Rhubarb & Custard - Poppy and the Jezebels             447  2  - 16
 15. Make Me - Janet Jackson                                433  4  - 15
 16. Not fair - Lily Allen                                  431  4  - 15
 17. If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears                         423  1  2 14
 18. Je Suis Un Homme - Zazie                               417  2  - 15
 19. Method Of Modern Love/This Is Tomorrow - Saint Etienne 416  1  5 14
 20. Splitting the Atom - Massive Attack                    411  3  - 13

Method of scoring: 40 points per #1, 11 points per #30. First column: points total, second: peak, third: weeks at #1, fourth: weeks on chart.

The Noughties are almost over — and in two days the Teenies officially begin. Here’s a few predictions from me — on the subjects that I actually know something about. (Not much about cars then.)

The Teenies will be the age of backlash against current state of the world, where information remains current for about two seconds before becoming obsolete. A neo-hippie movement will begin, one that will renounce internet, Perez Hilton and Twitter, and vow to go back to the dark ages when the only source of all knowledge was cable TV. It will most probably start with a Facebook campaign.

The major record labels will collapse and/or become multimedia companies along the lines of Live Nation, involved in every aspect of music delivery and memorabilia, from selling t-shirts through concerts to releasing the recordings. CD sales will stabilise at the level of about 20% of the download sales, with the extra-limited editions priced around 50-70 euro, including a lock of artist’s hair, t-shirt, picture disc vinyl and similar shit forming a large portion. On the other side will be iTunes downloads offering the bare minimum, sound recording at acceptable quality and absolutely nothing but a tiny bitmap in the way of artwork. (By the way, when I say “recordings”, they will largely be recorded at artists’ homes, as most studios will go out of business.) Eventually recorded music in form of download will become either free or largely discounted, perhaps with subscription model led by companies such as last.fm, and CDs/vinyl/blu-ray audio will be the deluxe collectors’ format.

Books printed on paper will be next; Apple’s (iSlate?) tablet will open the gates for a device that works like Amazon’s Kindle but looks cool. Then the sales of paper books will stabilise at about 20% of the download sales. The paper copies will be bought by neo-hippies, pretentious people and old farts like me. Everyone else will have moved on to minimal rooms in minimal houses with white walls and Apple products on white, spotless desks housing all their media.

(Eventually Apple backlash will begin, and it will look very similar to that love-hate relationship people have with Microsoft. But Google will be first.)

The division between people who create things and people who use things will grow, eventually leading towards the kind of society described by Wells in “The Time Machine” — Eloi versus Morlocks.

Nokia will go out of business, unless they either downsize by 80% or fire absolutely everybody who has worked on their user interfaces in the last 5 years. (Mind you, I haven’t seen the latest Nokias, because the models of the last 5 years ensured I will never want to touch one again.) In the meantime, all traditional mobiles will be replaced by smartphones, with the exception of models aimed at seniors.

Tobacco will be outlawed.

There is only one problem with my resolutions for 2010, and that is the fact that I have loads of them, and I don’t really see days being expanded to 36 hours to accommodate all that I want to do.

First, I want to record new music. Not just go on about it and about how I haven’t got inspiration, but, like, sit my lazy ass at the Big Mac and DO IT. I have done some exciting stuff in the past, and most of it happened when I wasn’t trying to do commercial music but just did it because I was feeling creative. I am feeling like being creative again. Whether it is the loooooong elaborated over triphop record or a Depeche Mode circa 1986 record, remains to be seen, but at least one of them has to be completed in 2010.

Second, and that’s kind of connected, I have to write more. Not just blog more, although that could be good as well (seeing as Typing in Stereo turned into Here’s Where I Post My Chart blog). Fiction perhaps? (I’m a bit too young for memoirs, no matter what Geri Halliwell with two to her name before the age of 14 has to say about that.) Perhaps the long-rumoured fitness blog with REGULAR updates? I’ll see. But, again, one of those has to happen in 2010.

Third, I am going back to my “challenge” and by that I mean that I haven’t quite been asked to participate in the six-pack competition that my workmates are having, but that doesn’t mean I can’t win it anyway. I’ve been going on about how I will one day have visible abs that I can as well put the beer away and do it. (Note: I am NOT going to not drink anything on New Year’s Eve. There is dedication and there is sheer masochism.) Here’s my 2010 resolution: abs inspiring teenage girls to spontaneously combust.

Fourth, raygrant.com has to actually get some content. Other than “coming soon”. And by the way, I redesigned Typing in Stereo, but it never progressed past Photoshop. Time to turn that into code. Both have to happen in 2010.

Fifth, I have looooooong wanted to go to a hip-hop dance class, and always thought, I’d soooo like to do it, but really, I’d probably be the oldest kid present. They would point at me, laugh and call me “grandpa”. Thing is, I keep on thinking that I would love to go and I also keep on not becoming any younger. In 2010 I will join a dance class. (And that’s in addition to Manfriend’s suggestion that we should join a ballroom dancing class.)

Sixth, I will buy new underwear. Yes I know that sounds easy, but I have a rather refined taste, and nothing that I have seen in the last four months satisfied it with the exception of underwear that is so obscenely outside my budget that I had to censor it out of my head (and my credit card statement). There must be wearable underwear below 100 euro a pair in the world, and I am determined to track it. In 2010. (This one has to happen, because I am not yet ready to become one of those men who wear stretched boxers with holes in the crotch area.)

And seventh, which is kind of connected with third, I am sticking to the gym. I paid for a year in advance Mozdammit and I am not letting that money go to waste. I will not be one of those heterosexuals people who age gracefully and dress their age and grow beer guts and say things like “my metabolism slowed down after thirty, that’s why I’m no longer thin” while eating pizza and trying to beat their own record in sitting down without getting up.

Eighth, ninth and tenth? I’ll keep on the good work and improve the weaker bits. I’ll be an amazing designer, even better boyfriend, get more tattoos (you can never have enough hats, gloves and tattoos), do some courses, continue with yoga on a weekly rather than “erm, I promise to come to the class sometime soon” basis, and generally I will be like a cross between Madonna (minus crotch-pumping and cameltoe), Hugh Jackman and Marian Keyes. Mind you, with my luck that could mean being regularly mistaken for a 50-year-old, becoming all hairy and spending some time in rehab, but hey! if it makes me bloody rich and gets me piles of awards, I’m going to try.

What are your resolutions? Anything particularly unusual?

 1   4   2  DECEMBER SONG
            George Michael
 2   1   3  ALL OVER THE WORLD (REMIX)
            Pet Shop Boys
 3   5   4  WHO'D HAVE KNOWN
            Lily Allen
 4   2   4  FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
            Adam Lambert
 5   3  10  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 6   7   2  I WISH
            Mini Viva
 7   8   7  ABOUT A GIRL
            Sugababes
 8  11  15  MAKE ME
            Janet Jackson



 9  10   2  REVOLVER (DAVID GUETTA ONE LOVE REMIX)
            Madonna
10   6   5  DIRTEE CASH
            Dizzee Rascal
 (more...)

 1   2   2  ALL OVER THE WORLD (REMIX)
            Pet Shop Boys
 2   1   3  FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
            Adam Lambert
 3   3   9  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck



 4   !   1  DECEMBER SONG
            George Michael
 5   6   3  WHO'D HAVE KNOWN
            Lily Allen
 6   4   4  DIRTEE CASH
            Dizzee Rascal
 7   !   1  I WISH
            Mini Viva
 8   5   6  ABOUT A GIRL
            Sugababes
 9   7   8  3
            Britney Spears
10   !   1  REVOLVER (DAVID GUETTA ONE LOVE REMIX)
            Madonna
 (more...)

So it looks like the UK Christmas Number One this year is Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name”. This is important for two reasons. First, it signifies the first ever internet petition that actually worked and changed the world, in a very limited capacity perhaps, but it did. Second, it shows how extremely stupid people are.

Rage’s track was originally released in 1992. Its juvenile screamo chorus of “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” captured hearts of many a thirteen year old and made RATM one of those bands that are all about rebellion and sticking it to the man and left-wing communist ideals and Che Guevara and a major label record deal and open tours for U2 and Green Day (famous for being independent non sell-outs) (for RATM fans reading this, that was “irony” — check it out, you might like it).

It might be interesting to note that “Killing In The Name” never got airplay in the US but received saturation airplay in Europe (where we don’t give a fuck about songs with the word “fuck” in the chorus) and helped sell three million albums. Three million albums is way more than Joe McElderry, their “competitor” expects to sell in his lifetime. In fact, X Factor acts often fizzle out and die very quickly, with the exception of Leona Lewis. You might wonder who really is the “real” artist here; is it a band posting instructions how to download their 17-years-old song illegally on their guitarist’s twitter or is it the 18-year-old Joe who is forced by Simon Cowell’s hit machine to record Simon’s choice of song (Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb”) but later can perhaps, PERHAPS hope to forge a career of his own?

I have been watching the campaign closely because I remember when I used to care about the UK Christmas Number One. Last time that I actually tuned in to listen was 2001 and a wonderful song topped the chart; Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman’s cover of “Somethin’ Stupid”. It was gorgeous, understated, cute, unexpected and simply beautiful. It is one of my favourite Robbie Williams songs.
In 2002 and 2003, when Girls Aloud and a Donnie Darko soundtrack coveted the number one spot, I wasn’t that interested because since the emergence of Pop Idol I lost interest in the UK chart altogether. And then X Factor took over and the race completely ceased being exciting because, simply, there was no race anymore; X Factor song became #1 every year except for 2004 when Band Aid 20’s godawful “Do They Know It’s Christmas” took the spot and even worse X Factor entry by Steve Brookstein had to be satisfied by #2.

I should be the perfect target for the internet campaign to deprive X Factor of the Crimbo #1. It’s just that I wasn’t. First of all, I am not homophobic and comments along the lines of “Joe McQueerry” didn’t reasonate well with me. Second, I think that “Killing In The Name” is a shit song, and that “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” line is very ironic considering the fact that people are buying it because a Facebook campaign tells them to. Third, the UK Chart actually has rules, and no less than three have been broken; Tom Morello of RATM told fans via his twitter how to 1) download from abroad, 2) download multiple copies and 3) that the band would play a free gig in the UK if the single hits #1. Neither Joe McElderry himself nor Simon Cowell broke any rules; the song was available in the same way as any other song was, Joe hasn’t encouraged fans to make multiple purchases or told them how to purchase the song from abroad and make it count for the chart, he also hasn’t offered any additional benefits (like a free gig) in exchange for the purchase. Fourth, unlike RATM fans (or, worse, people who don’t give a flying fuck about RATM, but wanted to Stick Their Finger To The Man) I am not a sheep, and I don’t buy a song just because somebody tells me to. You know what, Morello? Stick your tweets up your bum. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me. I won’t break the rules to make your miserable 17 year old song with many expletives as its main selling point reach the number one spot.

The final sales were: 500k for Rage Against The Machine and 450k for Joe. The runner up, Lady GaGa’s “Bad Romance” sold a pithy 60k. She didn’t count in the race. And neither would RATM, whose fuck-fest reached a miserable #25 when it was originally released in 1992, had it not been for a homophobia-laden internet campaign convincing people who didn’t even like the song to purchase multiple copies of it to prove… what? That “the people” can “reclaim their number one”? But thing is, Joe’s single was also bought by people. Simon Cowell didn’t download the track 450 thousand times. It was simply bought by a different kind of people; people who watch X Factor. Those people most probably don’t care about whether Joe reaches number one; they liked him, they liked the song, they decided to buy it. People who bought RATM’s track didn’t do it because they suddenly fell in love with the song 17 years later; they didn’t suddenly discover a new band either; many of them didn’t even listen to the multiple copies of the song they downloaded (for 29p via Amazon, as opposed to 99p for Joe’s track).

As far as I am concerned, the whole campaign proved only one thing: the UK music market is dead and buried. Nobody gives a shit about Joe McElderry outside the UK — you’d have to watch X Factor religiously to be interested. Nobody gives a shit about UK facebook campaigns to download Rage Against The Machine either — first, because they are American, second, because people DO NOT CARE about the UK number one. In fact, nobody cares about the UK chart at all, except for people like me; people who remember the time back in 2001 when it was actually exciting to listen to the entire top 40 and discover that it is Robbie and Nicole who hit #1. Not because there was a reality show starring either of them; not because there is a facebook campaign to reclaim the #1 slot; not because Robbie promises a free gig to people who will illegally download multiple copies of his song. But simply because people went to the shop, bought many, many singles and this one sold the most copies due to the fact most people enjoyed spending money on it.

There was a chance this year to choose a British track, by a band signed to a small label, and show the world the power of the British internet users and British music. That chance has been wasted entirely. Power to the people indeed.

PS. Both Joe McElderry and Rage Against The Machine are on the same major record label — Sony Music. Guess which label is happy as a dormouse about the facebook campaign? Bonus question: how EXACTLY does purchasing 500 thousand copies of a Sony Music release teach The Powers That Be that we won’t fucking do what they tell us?

 1   3   2  FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
            Adam Lambert
 2   !   1  ALL OVER THE WORLD (REMIX)
            Pet Shop Boys
 3   1   8  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 4   2   3  DIRTEE CASH
            Dizzee Rascal
 5   5   5  ABOUT A GIRL
            Sugababes

[Here is where the video would have been, but Parlophone
 think disabling embedding means great promotion.]

 6   8   2  WHO'D HAVE KNOWN
            Lily Allen
 7   6   7  3
            Britney Spears
 8   4  13  MAKE ME
            Janet Jackson
 9   7   9  PHANTOM BRIDE
            Erasure
10  11   4  I NEED YOU NOW
            Agnes
 (more...)

FINALLY. The best song from the album. It’s not really a single (it’s a lead track on the forthcoming Christmas EP) but who gives a toss — it’s there, it’s purchaseable (well… eventually it will be) and it’s GORGEOUS. And the video is lovely too — live footage, clever editing and loads of shots of gorgeous dancers who, unlike the ones on the Cubism tour, are happy to be on the stage. Result!!!

 1   2   7  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 2   1   2  DIRTEE CASH
            Dizzee Rascal



 3   !   1  FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
            Adam Lambert
 4   6  12  MAKE ME
            Janet Jackson
 5   3   4  ABOUT A GIRL
            Sugababes
 6   4   6  3
            Britney Spears
 7   5   8  PHANTOM BRIDE
            Erasure
 8   !   1  WHO'D HAVE KNOWN
            Lily Allen
 9   7  12  ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART (RICHARD X BETA VERSION)
            Saint Etienne
10   8   8  BODIES
            Robbie Williams
 (more...)

 1   !   1  DIRTEE CASH
            Dizzee Rascal



 2   1   6  HEAVEN CAN WAIT
            Charlotte Gainsbourg feat. Beck
 3  11   3  ABOUT A GIRL
            Sugababes
 4   2   5  3
            Britney Spears
 5   3   7  PHANTOM BRIDE
            Erasure



 6   6  11  MAKE ME
            Janet Jackson
 7   7  11  ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART (RICHARD X BETA VERSION)
            Saint Etienne
 8   4   7  BODIES
            Robbie Williams
 9   8   2  I NEED YOU NOW
            Agnes
10   9   9  SPLITTING THE ATOM
            Massive Attack
 (more...)