I missed yoga yet again on Monday, because I was doing something very, very important.

I have this idea, which is probably very heterophobic of me, that most straight people don’t really consider HIV/AIDS to be “their problem”. Yeah, they think, of course everybody can catch HIV, but not me, I never sleep with cheap sluts/ugly men/anyone who looks ill, so I must be safe. Or: I’ve only had one partner in my life and she is so sweet, she never wants to tell me about her ex-boyfriends but she’s so lovely and I met her mom, her and HIV? Please, she probably doesn’t know how to spell it! Etc.

Boyfriend and me went to a restaurant a while ago. They were playing a CD I enjoyed a lot, and I asked what was it — it was Jack Johnson. Jack’s lyrics are about banana pancakes, staying long in bed and being romantic while holding hands and looking deeply into his school sweetheart’s eyes. I am a romantic person too, and that’s why I find it very important to get tested together; because for a gay man HIV is a part of everyday life. Some seek it actively, some get drunk and high to avoid thinking about it, some — like me — are simply very, very aware of its existence and while they do not discriminate against those who have it for whatever reason, they do not have a wish to join their ranks unless of course that can not be avoided.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my result — after boyfriend already got his, and it was negative — thoughts ran through my head. I’ve never had any unsafe sex, not since my last test, right? When was N.? That was May-June 2008, so if my last test was August, perhaps there was something… undetected? Did he really wear a condom that last time? What if it burst?

Another thing: I don’t really believe in 100% safe sex, except for being in a monogamous relationship with a trusted partner. There is safer sex, but 99% and 100% are very different in very many ways. Does anybody really ever use condoms for oral sex? I never met anyone who does. What about my dentist? Is he as clean as I like to think he is? What about my tattoos — yes, there has never been a case recorded of HIV transmission that could be directly linked to tattooing outside prison, but what if I am case #1?

And then the lovely doctor (nurse?) emerged from her room with a smile on her face and I knew my worries were unnecessary; everything was alright, she said, warmly smiling. I wish you a nice relatie… relation… ship? — she added, unsure of her English. Thank you dear, I replied in my head. I wondered if she knew how big a step this was for me; I consider getting tested together more important than getting married. If you get married, and you sleep around, you risk lawyers’ fees, breaking the Holy Institution Of Marriage and generally lots of spending and paperwork. If you get tested together, stop using condoms with your partner, but continue to sleep around, you risk your life and your partner’s.

For a gay man living in Amsterdam, I am practically a Victorian virgin; I never went to sex clubs, never had sex in a sauna, never left a party with someone else than I arrived with. I like Jack Johnson’s view of life, and I like being realistic. We’ll eat banana pancakes once my 30 day challenge is over, and we’ll enjoy sex in many ways and positions, knowing that we won’t give the person we love a gift they will never forget or get rid of, as hard as they may try.

Chuck Renslow, President of International Mr. Leather, has declared removal of all merchandise, including gifts, promoting unsafe bareback sex from the IMLLeather Market.

I have been quite unhappy for a while reading and hearing from people who somehow managed to get into their heads that HIV can be a “lifestyle”, and that you don’t really have to care about it because there are retroviral drugs, etc., etc., yada yada. This is an unexpected and brave move in the (in my opinion) right direction: just shut up and use a rubber. Eric Leven quotes the entire letter from Renslow, then adds his own experience:

Recently I got a promotional coupon from Manhunt.net offering me several free hours of profiling and online cruising. [...] The third email I got, that’s right, the third email, was from a “neg top” who only prefers unsafe bareback sex. He wasn’t interested in anything else and if I were game, he had a group of “buddies” he was willing to introduce me to. Naturally, the rage inside me sparked like a napalm fueled blowtorch and ricocheted throughout my body like a red hot pinball, but I took a deep breath and responded kindly by saying, “nothing elicits more rage within me than stupid complacent motherfuckers like you.” And I meant it. Because what’s “hot” to this “neg top” is putting me, and the rest of this community, at risk. He is as “negative” as much as I know the next card you’re going to pull is the Ace of Spades. Whether truly negative or not the idea that he didn’t even seem to care blows my mind.

Read more on the topic on KnuckleCrack. And remember, that even straight people can catch HIV from unsafe sex.

(And if you don’t know why Eric is so angry about the “neg top”, feel free to ask me and I will explain.)

“Pope Benedict XVI said on his way to Africa today that condoms were not the answer in the continent’s fight against HIV, his first explicit statement on an issue that has divided even clergy working with AIDS patients. [...] The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease. ?You can’t resolve it with the distribution of condoms,? the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon, where he will begin a seven-day pilgrimage on the continent. ?On the contrary, it increases the problem.?”

First of all, Mr Benedict, if you read papers other than “Vatican Today” and “Playnun”, you would know abstinence doesn’t work. Ask the victims of priests-sexual abusers, Mr Benedict. Ask thousands of pregnant American teenagers. Ask Bristol and Trigg Palin. Ask raped children in Africa, whose rapists believed that they would get cured from AIDS if they raped a virgin. How did abstinence work for them? Did it help much? How does abstinence work for the priests, the special children of God, so special that they leave the church to pursue relationships or just abuse others sexually, luring them with a promise of eternal happiness and scaring them with the threat of damnation?

Second of all, you forgot to explain to us HOW exactly do condoms increase the problem of HIV spread. We will gladly listen to your scientific explanation. You may wish to use the figures. Like, the numbers of AIDS victims who used condoms versus the ones that haven’t.

Third of all, oooh yes, well of course monogamy helps to avoid STDs. It’s just that not everyone is lucky enough to meet their ideal partner at the first go, wait with sexual initiation till the day they get married, then get married and discover they hit the sack regularly and with much luck forever after. Some discover they are incompatible sexually. Some fall out of love. Some fall victims to abusive spouses. Some aren’t even lucky enough to be straight. And, dear Benedict, I understand you have no faintest clue, but sex is actually a vital part of life of more or less anyone who isn’t a pope (or David McDonald, and David got quite enough shagging before he became a saint).

Fourth, it is truly scary that you find it a good idea to abuse your position of power to misinform people who are in lethal danger. When an infected man tells his non-infected partner not to use condoms — against doctors’ orders — “because pope said so”, you will be responsible for the partner’s illness. Benedict. I am not going to say anything silly like “I hope you can live with the guilty conscience”, because I don’t think conscience is a requisite to become a pope. I just think that you’re far, far, far removed from actual human beings. Far enough to forget that some of them are just going to hear the bit about “pope saying condoms spread AIDS” and not the bit about monogamy. How many people will that one little speech kill? Fifty thousand? Ten thousand? Even if it’s just one, Benedict, I hope your boss, that beardy God bloke, will take you upstairs to report on it as soon as possible. And when that happens, I will thank Him.

Why not call God and leave him a message? (Yahoo)

?What I?m hoping is that, yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that,? he said. ?The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior.? Don’t you just LOVE the Catholics? They are such GOOD people. (Joe. My. God.)

Madonna and Baby Jesus on a wintery night! I am tempted to burst into a song. Will “Like A Virgin” do? (DListed)

Aaand for something completely different… although those hotels do strike me as places where you would scream “Oh GOD!!!!” at the top of your voice… and anyway, the authoress is apparently oblivious of places like Black Tulip… well go and read for yourself. (Lusty Lady)