The Lady GaGa video (two more people feel about it the way I do!) is just one of the many inventive ways in which thirtysomethingness continues to be catching up with me.

I swear I haven’t planned to become one of those people who mutter sentences starting with “those yoof of today”. Who get irritated by loud music playing at fashion retailers. And then they get irritated by the fact that all t-shirts seem to have juvenile prints on them (really? there are girls who would go for a bloke wearing a t-shirt saying “FUCKING GENIUS” with 12 pictures of various positions underneath? or a t-shirt saying “I RECYCLE GIRLS”?). And then as they walk home they see two teenagers in very lowly pulled pants — starting below their buttocks more or less — and they roll their eyes and go “jesus, what in the Alexander McQueen HELL are they wearing”.

Nevertheless, that’s exactly what I have become.

I listen to the Music Of Today and roll my eyes thinking “this has been done before, and so much better as well”. I realise it’s irrelevant, because pop music has never been about originality, and that it has never been aimed at thirty-somethings, but I can’t help it: it HAS been done before, and it HAS been done better. Which is why I can’t possibly enjoy Lady GaGa the way most of her uber-loyal disciples do. And because I hate stupidity in lyrics, I can’t possibly chart Ke$ha. Or Black Eyed Peas.

Then I look at my vinyl collection. And that’s even before I look at my CD collection. After carefully removing all the CDs I will never play again from the shelves and sticking them in a box (because I can’t possibly make myself throw them away) I ended up with 700+ CDs. I paid very good money for a lot of them. Almost none of them are worth that money anymore. Yet an iTunes download of the same music sometimes costs more than the CDs with thick, nicely printed booklets. Physicality of the object, thus, became a con rather than pro, and I can’t help but think those yoof of today are voluntarily getting screwed. (Except of course they have the last laugh, because they don’t REALLY pay for downloads.) Which doesn’t change the fact that it is me who has invested shitloads of money into CDs which right now aren’t really that much more than a waste of space.

The current H&M collection features jeans shirts, jeans jackets and jeans tops, last seen in the 1980s. I don’t only remember 1980s, I also remember the shame with which we laughed at the pictures only a few years later. What would make that stuff fashionable again? Oh yes — the yoof of today, who don’t yet realise the embarrassment they will feel next year when looking at the pictures they take today.

Movies made today? A very large part of them is either visual extravaganza without a plot whatsoever or badly acted remakes of movies made 30 years ago whose only fault is the fact that it’s impossible to add product placement to them. The remaining few are, perhaps, good — but the time it takes to separate the dross from the amazing? Who has that time in the age of information when you need to get a live feed of your neighbour’s cat’s bowl contents?

Those yoof of today get served shit on a golden platter. And they, ultimately, are the winners, because both them and me are force-fed the same excuse for entertainment, but I am a bitter old queen mumbling about “the Old Days used to be so much better you know” while they actually enjoy themselves.

I have just spent 9 minutes and 30 seconds of my life watching Lady GaGa’s “Telephone” video. See it below.

I have then gone to Popjustice forums to see what the people were thinking, and predictably enough I saw fans tripping over themselves to express their excitement. Amazing! Great! Ambitious! Nudity! Fabulousness! “The most amazing video I have ever seen!”

It does make me both feel and sound old, but… it isn’t. Nudity? Why not check out Mylene Farmer’s “Beyond My Control”, made in 1991. Violence and fast cars? Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For A Girl”. Colours and sixties styling? “Beautiful Stranger”. Dance scenes in prison? “Chicago” the musical did those waaaay better. Lesbian overtones? Very exciting to see, but really, L Word did those in a way less offensive way. (Not offensive as in “two girls kiss SHOCKER”, offensive as in male-fantasy-about-lesbians way.)

I made the mistake of posting my opinion and, unsurprisingly, got flamed for that. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but really? This passes for groundbreaking, amazing and incredible these days?

I feel ancient.

It wasn’t until I’ve been stopped on the street today by a boy 10 years younger than me who enthusiastically exclaimed “I LOVE your headphones!” that I realised how uncool I became.

I bought those headphones — by a certain not very well known brand I won’t mention — largely due to their cool value; I wanted to buy something that’s damn cool, vislble from a large distance, expensive… but mostly has warranty that covers the damn thing being driven over by a bus. I had replaced four pairs of headphones in the last six months because their injuries were not covered by warranty and to be honest that’s a bit enough. Plus, the bright green colour ensures that fellow cyclists will notice that I am listening to music and, hopefully, ring their bells louder or summat. So I had bought uber-cool expensive headphones because of safety and good warranty.

Those headphones fit absolutely nothing I was wearing, which consisted of black coat (cheap and warm and nice, C&A), blue jeans (big torn ones from H&M, and anyway with my legs you can’t wear fashionable stuff, because fashionable stuff assumes you’re anorexic) and black leather boots (warm, comfy and, erm, that’s about all that can be said about them). Underneath I was rocking a purple scarf, which was covered by the coat and thus invisible, black cardigan and black muscle t-shirt, which is kind of cool, but still doesn’t match those headphones.

A whole other thing is what I have been listening to. It wasn’t what I am listening to right now (i.e. Susan Boyle, whose album I will review here soon), but it wasn’t much better. It was Madonna’s “Open Your Heart”. Which I followed by Annie Lennox’ “Diva” in its entirety.

My coolness reached its peak when “We are technology” was played on the Polish radio repeatedly, Martina and me were doing interviews for MTV and I had a regular DJ slot at a club so cool waiters would ignore you for an hour before lowering themselves to notice your presence, even if you were the only person present apart from staff. I wore the perfectly right clothes, listened to perfectly right music (and played it during my DJ sets), and whatever I would choose to put on would be good, because I was cool. When I had long black hair it was cool, and when I shaved my head leaving a blonde mohawk it was also cool. Mind you, I was also 24.

Thing is, it wasn’t me adapting to become cool; it was simply a great timing that ensured that what I liked was fashionable. I kept on listening to — and playing electronic music from the 80s, it’s just that Felix da Housecat happened to hit a golden mine when he sampled “Passion” by The Flirts for his breakthrough hit “Silver Screen Shower Scene” and followed it by sampling Human League, who themselves attempted a comeback with criminally underrated “All I Ever Wanted”. And then that time has passed, and electro sound has gone back to the underground, and got replaced by indie guitar rock. I stopped DJing, Technologic’s second single didn’t get much love from the radio, and that was about it.

Ever since then I have been doing what everybody does — that includes you, dear reader, as much as that shocks you — aging. At the age of 32 certain routes are closed for me. I will never become a professional tennis player; I will never be Madonna’s dancer; I will never be a teenager again, basically, and I will never be a part of the Twenty-Something Bloggers club. I might still become a professional boxer, but I should hurry up.

Being cool is also about keeping up with the times; with the Current New Sounds, trends in clothes, movies, actors, books, social networking. There’s something called Twilight out there, which features emo twink Robert Pattinson who has been more often than not described as lacking personal hygiene; there’s Lady Gaga, who has an amazing image not supported by music I would like to listen to more than once — she sounds like a third rate Britney Spears, and if I want to listen to Britney, I have the original at hand; the jeans available in the stores are almost exclusively skinny, which is bad news if you happen to work out a lot and you’re not one of those funny people who only exercise their chest and biceps. Generally, I know what’s cool, but I don’t give a shit.

I am not cool anymore. I don’t have time for that. I don’t want to listen to Lady Gaga, Marina And The Diamonds, Florence And The Machine, Ellie Goulding or Owl City simply because they are a New Fresh Thing. I know what Chris Lowe has to say about “even if it’s bad, it’s good because it’s new” and I disagree; I prefer to listen to music that I already KNOW is good, rather than spend my valuable time on listening to stuff that I could possibly like… or not. When faced with a choice between Janet Jackson’s “Number Ones” or Lady Gaga’s “Fame Monster” I will choose Janet. I played Gaga once. She didn’t set my world on fire. I played the CD again, and it got on my nerves. There will be no third chance. I’m BUSY.

Why buy a new pair of jeans that won’t fit me if I can wear my old leather pants that do? Why subscribe to Facebook, Twitter, formspring.me and 40 other uber-fashionable social networking sites if I don’t have time to meet my friends — actual living breathing humans — for drinks? Why would I bother listening to Florence And The Machine’s album if singles bored me to tears? Why would I watch mega-stupid people on “Jersey Shore” if I still haven’t found time to watch “City of Angels”?

Yes I know — admitting that makes me uncool. But so what? I’m 32. I will never be cool again, unless I become a celebrity writer (you can be a cool celebrity writer at the age of 60) simply because I am ancient. Seeing what MTV has become (my gym often has MTV on) makes me mutter sentences containing the words “youth of today” and “when I was younger, MTV played music”. I have no interest in being cool ever again unless I get paid for it, and it would better be GOOD money.

I have just come to the conclusion that I am now well and truly ancient. Twenty-something whippersnappers won’t be able to relate to this, I am sure. Well! Without further ado, here is a list of things that excite me the MOST nowadays: (boyfriend excepted of course as is not thing)

• working out, yoga, cycling (I am thin and gorgeous!)
• making iTunes playlists with all singles by an artist in chronological order (anybody got the single mix of George Michael’s “Monkey”?)
• making iTunes playlists with “The Best Of” of the aforementioned artist, but cut down to 1CD length, often featuring non-singles (makes me feel like an A&R!)
• awaiting my new kitchen cupboards (to be delivered by IKEA next week hopefully)
• designing covers for my iTunes playlists (see the Roxette post not so long ago for an example)
• Vicar of Dibley (not much to add, really)
• going to Texel with my boyfriend (hint: Texel is not full of exciting nightclubs) (do youngsters still say “nightclubs”?) (does anyone still say “youngsters”?)
• the thoughts of food, in general (especially Indian, or Italian, or Mexican, or boyfriend’s cooking in general)
• Marian Keyes writing a new book (especially since “The Brightest Star in the Sky” is sooooooooooo good)
• Janet Jackson’s new Best Of (despite awful cover) even though I’ve already got both full Janet singles playlist and 1CD version (and, worse, 2CD version too JUST IN CASE)
• 27″ iMacs
• awaiting my new bicycle

That’s, um, it.

Now please forgive me while I go and put my teeth in a glass.

I am in fact ALIVE!

I’ve had a bit of a bad time — family problems, work overload, money problems and some other stuff, combined, made blogging my last priority, I am afraid. But I am BACK with vengeance and ready to continue enriching your life with my amazing blog. YES!

So what have we missed?

• Three issues of my chart — all backlogged and will return next week.
• Mylene Farmer’s “C’est Dans L’Air” made #1 in France!!! That means she has four out of four singles off “Point de Suture” charting at #1 in France and her last five singles — the last being a duet with Moby — all topped the chart. She now has eight #1 singles, more than any other artist in the history of French chart. (Actually, she already had that record with seven, she just beat it again.)
• I have a bike AND I ride it! It’s taken me so long to break through the fear of biking on the streets — you should see the insane Amsterdam bikers — and now *I* am turning into one of them already, despite having biked for, like, a week. Proof:

Ray the biker

• My birthday — May 8 — was marvellous. It is so nice to actually spend the birthday in a pleasant way, instead of sitting on the floor rocking back and forth and moaning “I am going to be 30, and Queer As Folk says you die when you turn 30″. Shockingly it looks like Queer As Folk might be wrong, as I’ve never had as much fun as I did being 30 and I expect the next few years to be as good or better. As for the birthday, there was no big party, no mayjah celebration, no champagne and no cake (CARBS!!!!)… it was quiet, lovely and the cake was replaced by caipirinhas. Perfect. I must do this more often. Next birthday — July
• Reformatted my computer — before the reformat I had 250 GB for Mac OS and 420 GB for Windows, which is pretty silly considering the fact I use Windows approx. once every two months. Now it is 50 GB for Windows and 620 for Mac OS. EXCITING ISN’T IT?!!!?
• SUN!!! SPRING!!!!!

I must go now — there are exciting Real Life things waiting to be done — but the blog is alive, I am alive and normal service shall resume soon.

PS. Yesterday we were informed my grandma does NOT have cancer. It is a very interesting twist of affairs after she spent the last three months preparing to die, receiving anti-cancer drugs, etc. — but apparently what appeared to be tumours in her lungs was in fact blood clots (she is now receiving blood-diluting drugs), and what appeared to be tumours in her glands is, err, gone. Mind you, she is still a very ill person — spent the last month in hospital losing more and more weight, despite eating normally and not leaving her bed — but whatever is her problem, it apparently is NOT cancer.