I have just come to the conclusion that I am now well and truly ancient. Twenty-something whippersnappers won’t be able to relate to this, I am sure. Well! Without further ado, here is a list of things that excite me the MOST nowadays: (boyfriend excepted of course as is not thing)

• working out, yoga, cycling (I am thin and gorgeous!)
• making iTunes playlists with all singles by an artist in chronological order (anybody got the single mix of George Michael’s “Monkey”?)
• making iTunes playlists with “The Best Of” of the aforementioned artist, but cut down to 1CD length, often featuring non-singles (makes me feel like an A&R!)
• awaiting my new kitchen cupboards (to be delivered by IKEA next week hopefully)
• designing covers for my iTunes playlists (see the Roxette post not so long ago for an example)
• Vicar of Dibley (not much to add, really)
• going to Texel with my boyfriend (hint: Texel is not full of exciting nightclubs) (do youngsters still say “nightclubs”?) (does anyone still say “youngsters”?)
• the thoughts of food, in general (especially Indian, or Italian, or Mexican, or boyfriend’s cooking in general)
• Marian Keyes writing a new book (especially since “The Brightest Star in the Sky” is sooooooooooo good)
• Janet Jackson’s new Best Of (despite awful cover) even though I’ve already got both full Janet singles playlist and 1CD version (and, worse, 2CD version too JUST IN CASE)
• 27″ iMacs
• awaiting my new bicycle

That’s, um, it.

Now please forgive me while I go and put my teeth in a glass.

I have touched on the subject already but if The Frisky can post a similar article six weeks after the original, surely I can expand on it…

The advice that DivineCaroline.com give (The Frisky article is a repost) is not completely applicable to me. First, as a 20 year old I wore giant spectacles, had absolutely no self confidence fake or real, and I definitely was neither beautiful nor felt free. But I still wish I knew what I know now, because it would have made my life much much easier when I was 20, 15 or even 27:

1. Depression can be cured. Therapy works. Pills work. And you, young Ray, will completely recover. So move that ass and go to therapy as soon as possible instead of wasting time hoping pills will solve problems. They don’t. They take away the awful feelings that keep you down, but they don’t take away the source of those feelings.

2. Speaking of moving that ass, you will totally love going to the gym. So stop thinking everybody will stare at you (they won’t, they’re busy with their own workouts), fearing people’s comments (there will be none) or feeling that you don’t belong there (nobody looked like Usain Bolt the day they had their first workout). Just go.

3. Alcohol won’t make you spill your secrets. Honestly. And anyway, do you really have any secrets? I thought so. Honey, you’ll have a blog and secretly wish for thousands of people to come over and read your secrets. So don’t wait until you’re 24 before you have your first drink.

4. Speaking of waiting, you will have sex for the first time when you are 21. You will hate it. But trust me, you would hate it much more if you did it earlier than that. And you will eventually have goooooooood sex. Did I say gooooood? I meant amazing, fantastic, borderline illegal sex. You will wait for it a few years. No hurry, really.

5. Lenses are good. When your mom tells you there is nothing wrong with wearing glasses, ask yourself if you approve of her music taste or fashion choices. She loves you, but she’s wrong. Get those lenses and drop the saucers you wear on your face.

6. You don’t look good in blue. I know all family members believe you hate all other colours. Just tell them “I hate blue” instead of “thank you grandma, the 17th blue shirt made me SO HAPPY”.

7. You will never be happy in Warsaw. So don’t delude yourself that things will change, people will accept you, your family will realise their mistakes. Just move away. You will be soooooo much better off once that happens.

8. You can actually be friends with an ex. More, you can truly rediscover the love for your ex in a completely different way — as your BFF. The people who say you can’t be friends with your ex are the same people who say you can lose weight through eating nothing but cabbage for a week.

9. Coincidentally, do NOT eat nothing but cabbage for a week.

10. You will become good looking once you drop the giant glasses, hit the gym and stop wearing blue shirts. And the self confidence will also come. Because, you know, you’re actually fucking amazing. You’ll be strong enough to go through lots of shit, change your life completely, handle things that you fear the most and survive — and become stronger in the process. Remember that every time you doubt yourself.

What ten things would you like to tell your younger self?

I identify myself as a member of the following social circles/groups — some of them might reject me, but nevertheless I feel a member:

* geeks
* body modification fans
* equalling sex with gender is soooo 20th century
* mixed race
* queers
* graphic designers
* (amateur) writers
* (amateur) musicians
* music lovers (of the “Music is my hot hot sex” variety and if you don’t know who this song is by without Google then you are obviously not a member of this group)
* vinyl collectors
* multilinguals
* multiculturals
* readers (as in a person who enjoys reading books made of paper)
* collectors
* freaks’n'oddballs
* Europeans

Here’s a list of my religious beliefs:

* The Smiths were better than Morrissey solo
* ‘Coupling’ Was Better Than ‘Friends’
* Kylie Kylie Kylie (yes that constitutes a belief)
* people who prefer American versions of British TV series are shallow
* music was better when I was younger than it is now
* MTV was better when it actually played videos
* people who say sentences starting with “I would love to get a tattoo but…” are cowards
* most men look better with facial hair
* and those who are not balding look better with long hair
* I mean, have you seen Lord Of The Rings?
* the best Pet Shop Boys album is “Actually” and that is a FACT
* reincarnation makes perfect sense from the atheist’s point of view — nature reuses everything it can, so if you make one small assumption that there is a difference between a living creature and a dead creature, then call that difference whatever you wish — id, soul, spark — then that thing gets reused too once the creature dies (I haven’t yet made my mind up as to whether we get to be the same or different species once we reincarnate)
* ‘The Hours’ is the finest moment in the careers of Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore, but for Meryl Streep it is but another shining pearl on a very long string of shining pearls, I mean, oh my GOD what an awesome actress
* (any mentions of ‘Mamma Mia’ shall not be appreciated)
* people who don’t work out are lazy sods who spend too much time and energy on finding excuses
* which I admit means I was a lazy sod who spent too much time and energy on finding excuses for the first 29 years of my life
* people who vote right-wing are either simpletons who like simple explanations or egoists who made loads of money/good careers/whatever and want to keep all that to themselves, thankyouverymuch
* Portuguese is the sexiest language ever invented
* it makes no sense to buy Het Parool when Swamp Thing is no longer in there

(This time thanks to Eric Generic)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Lay tiles.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Absolutely no idea. Did I make any last year? I’m not going to make any this year, it’s not like I remember them anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?
England, Poland, Germany. Oh, I’m quite pleased about this list actually! Spain next year.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Eight-pack abs. Go on, call me shallow.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day I signed the paperwork for my apartment, received the keys, then my agent drove me there, I came in and it was MINE.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
See #7.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Actually, can’t think of anything. It was a successful year, I suppose.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Actually, no. (Dear Lady in Heavens, if I may have one wish for 2009 may this state continue. Plskthxbai)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
iPhone. Go on Bart, make fun of me.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Hmmm. Mine?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Geert Wilders’.

14. Where did most of your money go?
See #7. I’ve never spent hundreds of thousands of euros before.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Erm, ouch, oups, well what can I say, see #7 and #11.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008 ?
“Black & Gold” by Sam Sparro.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? can’t remember
ii. thinner or fatter? hmm, thinner I think
iii. richer or poorer? poorer (although a homeowner now — it’s not like I spent this money on bitches and liquor)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing (other than blogging).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Getting pissed.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Nicely, I hope.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.

23. How many one-night stands?
I am so not telling!

24. What was your favorite TV programme?
TV? What’s that? Oh you mean DVD? The L Word.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book you read?
“A Spy in the House of Love” by Anais Nin.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?.
Gosh this is difficult. *thinks* Oh f–k — I’m afraid the answer is “Britney Spears” :s

28. What did you want and get?
The vinyl of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s “5:55″. Cost me an arm and a leg. It. Is. Beautiful.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Definitely not “Wanted”. That one takes the candy as the worst film I have ever seen in my whole life, and trust me, there’s LOTS of competition there.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
a) Bought an iphone. b) 31.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having witnessed #25 being hit by a car Can’t think of anything really.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Sexy… trauma

34. What kept you sane?
Music, my bro and my ex.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Usain Bolt.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Actually, it’s a very current issue — Barack Obama inviting Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at his inauguration. Yes We Can. But Do We Have To? Obama says: “I think it is no secret that I am a fierce advocate for equality for gay and lesbian Americans. [...]  And I would note that a couple of years ago I was invited to Rick Warren’s church to speak, despite his awareness that I held views entirely contrary to his when it came to gay and lesbian rights, when it came to issues like abortion.” Lovely Mr Obama, any KKK members going to speak out during your inauguration?

37. Who did you miss?
My mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Mike George, who taught me #39.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
There is only one person responsible for all stress and unhappiness you feel and it’s you. (You wouldn’t believe how much simpler life gets once you realise that.)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
“Boys on my left side, boys on my right side, boys in the middle and you’re not here.”

If you love me, you’ll feed me:

(1) A glass of red wine. Or two. Preferably Chilean (you can’t go wrong with Chilean dry red). Mmm. In fact, I’ll have one right now.

(2) Chicken. I love chicken. I used to be vegetarian for years and years and then I discovered the gym. And then I started waking up at night from very realistic dreams in which I was eating chicken. If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. Nowadays the more the better. Chicken, that is, not dreams or signs.

(3) Protein shakes and oatmeal. Honest. It truly takes a special person to serve me protein shakes and oatmeal. So far there’s only been one willing and Miz Gorgeous is also a fan of healthy food, so she sort of doesn’t really count. But still…

(3a) Magnum Almond ice cream. Oh. My. God. So. Good.

If you hate me, you’ll force me to have:

(1) French fries. I believe people who serve you French fries should be prosecuted for murder attempt. French fries contain absolutely nothing that is good for your body and absolutely everything that is bad for your body. And they taste like wet, deep-fried shit.

(2) Liver. Disgusting. I don’t care how good it is for me (although I question whether that is true or not).

(3) Whisky. I tried many times, but no matter how often I try it still tastes like cough medicine. Why drink something so awful when you can have Chilean dry red?

You would never know by reading my blog that I:

(1) Am actually quite a handy person, once someone shows me how to do things.

(2) Have worn make-up in public for the first time in my life last night (okay, I am cheating here — you would never know because I haven’t had time to write about that).

(3) Have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

If you wanted to get to know me better, you would have to talk to:

(1) My ex Scipio, who knows everything there is to know about me, and if there is anything he doesn’t know it’s only because I forgot to tell him. Honestly.

(2) My brother Pafcio.

(3) My therapist. But really, I hope believe neither of those three would be willing to share, and that’s how it should be.

I am most proud of:

(1) Owning an apartment in Amsterdam. Me. A homeowner. In Amsterdam. Honestly. Kiss my smelly feet.

(2) Having been on MTV, VIVA, public and commercial radio stations because of a song I have made with a girl from Austria using ICQ to send each other MP3s with tracks. It took us 5 years to release the album through itunes, but really, the feeling you get when hearing your own song on the radio — played every two hours because they love it so much — can’t be compared to anything else.

(3) Being referred to by co-workers as “the fit one that smiles all the time”.

If I really like you I will compliment your:

(1) Smile.

(2) Eyes.

(3) Ability to argue reasonably with me, without conceding to placate me nor getting frustrated and angry. (This, like some other bits, is copied straight from Fearless’ blog, but nevertheless it’s true. By the way, Yves, I totally adore the way you can argue reasonably with me — and you make me reconsider my point and realise you are wise and informed and change my own viewpoint AND not make me angry in the process.)

The best moment of my life so far:

A week after I broke up with my first boyfriend, my friend Agnieszka came over to pick me up. She had an umbrella she stole from her work — giant thing. It was over 30 degrees and it was POURING. Pissing cats and dogs, as my friend M. says. We went to Auchan to do a bit of shopping, then came back. On the way back, in the underground train, I saw myself reflected in the window opposite and haven’t realised it was me — that’s what happens when your hair is naturally black and you dye it blonde. Then I reached home, got into the bathtub with a cup of earl grey and felt that my entire body was composed of pure happiness.

The worst moment of my life so far:

It wasn’t the moment my aunt told me that my boyfriend is not welcome at her house for the party to celebrate grandma’s birthday. It actually was the moment 10 minutes later when my mom called me to convince me my aunt is right and that I am an egoist for thinking otherwise.

PS. Thanks to Fearless