“Love is the worst addiction”, says Pup, and he writes it on the toilet door at Zotte unbeknownst to me, so that I get a slight pang of shock when I go there and see the very sentence we were discussing a minute before calligraphed white on black.
It truly is, isn’t it? As a wise man, I mean Pup, said, the worst thing about it is that it never feels the same with two different people; we’re looking, sometimes in despair, to get the feeling back, but we can’t; when it comes back it’s different; sometimes unrecognisably so. And it hurts… because from my research it is actually a rare case when love is requited and shared, and even when it is, the members of the couple go on asking themselves the dreaded question: IS THIS IT? Is that all there is? Is this person The One or should I go on searching?
Love and labour market have evolved similarly; in the past people would get married early, get a job and stay both in the marriage and at work more or less forever. Nowadays we change jobs every few years at most and people who stay at the same place for a long time are viewed with suspicion — don’t they have any ambition? What about their career? As for relationships… I admit I used to think that I would find a perfect man and we would stay forever after in happiness and love. That was when I was 18, two years before my first kiss. (Yes, I started late, and no, I don’t regret that.)
Is there love in an open relationship? Is there no love in an open relationship? Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can you be in love with someone who hurts you on purpose with no other intent than to make you suffer? Those aren’t really no/yes questions, and the answer will depend on the individuals involved. How long does it take to fall in love? When do you know you are in love?
I have once fallen in love with someone the moment I was introduced to him. He shook my hand, and I fell in love. I was struck by the thunder so hard I couldn’t eat and sleep for days. I would get queasy when he would enter the room. And, by the way, I was in a relationship then and I didn’t have any intentions of ending it. And I didn’t know if the guy was actually gay, straight or bi. And I didn’t know anything about him at all actually. It took me more or less a year and a half to get over the feelings I’ve had for him. The beginning was definitely worst; trying to eat a yoghurt only to have my stomach twist into a knot the moment the guy enters the room. Not being able to sleep next to my own boyfriend and dreading the thought of sex. Discovering that despite not eating and not sleeping I have some kind of manic strength at the gym and break my own records. (Okay, that bit wasn’t so bad. Just scary.) This took a week and a half.
With the boyfriend I was at the time we’ve been dating for a few months before we fell in love. After the first date I thought “mmm, he’s kind of nice but this is not going to work, there’s no chemistry”. Liked him enough to see him again, though. Then again. Then again. Then again. And then we were getting closer, very slowly, and closer until I realised I couldn’t quite live without him… and didn’t, for three years. He was the only person I actually lived with and remains a great friend. That was love and this was love, and it would be difficult for them to be more different from each other.
There was love in my life that quickly reduced me to a small crawling animal begging for a sign of affection, having absolutely no will of its own and torn apart by own desires and self-hatred. There was love in my life that made me feel strong, powerful and insanely happy. There was love in my life that made me feel sad.
I’ve been in love too many times, I think, yet still I crave it… and after all this time I have no idea if I am going to recognise it when it comes my way. (But, dear gods watching over me, please don’t send the thunder kind again — as romantic as it sounds, it’s not enjoyable at all and since I am now bulking at the gym a week without food won’t be very helpful. Plskthxbai.)
